He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
