Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Randomize
