I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
