Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
