He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
