its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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