1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
