I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
