I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
