birth control should be required to get into college
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
