I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
