i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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