Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
