You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
