Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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