i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I would ride that face into the sunset
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
