At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
