there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
