What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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