Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
