the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
