I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize