That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
