I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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