how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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