I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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