You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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