u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
