I faked an abortion last night.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he just fucked me for my cheese.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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