A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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