Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
