it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
