i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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