8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You are the jesus of drinking
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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