Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
