She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
