My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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