My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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