I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize