Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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