I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
