Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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