if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
