Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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