The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize