I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
