Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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