the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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