White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
