just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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