Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
