But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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