It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
