girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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