Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
