i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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