Grow some girl-balls and come out already
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
