That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
